I just road-tested a parenting book I haven't even finished. I'm 126 pages into ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool,
so I'd absorbed enough of Hal Edward Runkel's theory to give it a whirl as I tried to put an overtired-to-the-point-of-hysterics Z to bed tonight."The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves."
Translation? Even though my three-year-old threw the fit to end all fits over Sleeping Beauty underpants, I was not to yell, threaten or force her to put on another pair, any pair, and get in the damn bed.
Instead, I explained the situation (both of her Sleeping Beauty undies were dirty and in the hamper) and asked that she pick another pair. When she refused, wailing "Sleeping Beauty...Sleeping Beauty" over and over, I gave myself a time out. I closed her door, walked downstairs and took a few deep breaths. I checked in on her every 10 minutes or so, asking if she was ready to get dressed for bed and and if needed any help. She was a sight to behold: sanding butt naked in the middle of her carpet, her face blotchy and streaked with snot and tears. Inconsolably crying out for her favorite licensed character underwear.
Finally, after a very long 30 minutes, the cries died down to hiccups, and I returned.
"Sleeping Beauty..." the howling began again. Runkel calls this "throwing down the gauntlet."
"A ScreamFree Parent never picks up a gauntlet."
I decided to try empathy (page 101). I told Z how sad I was that there weren't any more Sleeping Beauty underpants in the drawer. I told her I felt a little bit like crying too, and I asked her what she thought we should do since all of the undies were in the wash. She pointed to the hamper and I asked her if she'd like to wear a stinky pair. She nodded and I handed them to her. Heck, what's an extra 12 hours in a pair of panties when you're three years old?
I brushed her teeth and asked her to please use the potty. She refused.
Another gauntlet. This time I employed Runkel's choices and consequences speech (page 106). I told her she could use the toilet and I'd read her books or she could not use the potty and go to bed without stories. It was up to her. She crossed her legs, pulled up her pajamas and I put her to bed, whimpering. She cried "stories, stories..." for about 5-10 minutes before she finally fell asleep.
It was an exhausting and frustrating hour, but I'm glad I didn't lose control. I didn't really get exactly the compliance I was hoping for, but ScreamFree Parenting stresses that obedience is for dogs, growing responsible, loving adults is the purpose of parenting.
"Your number-one leadership role in the family is that of a calming authority."
By staying consistent, even-tempered and cool, I modeled good behavior. By leaving Z's room, I gave her space, and by empowering her to make her own choices, I showed her respect without giving up discipline.
6 comments:
Wow! Can I use that example in my parenting class? That is classic! And your responses were awesome as is your point at the end of the post. Thanks for letting me know about the book. I have to admit I haven't been a model of a calm, calming presence myself recently.
This is totally the kind of thing I'm looking for... tonight. Great review and good luck. I'll have to check it out.
Sheesh, you make awesome points but I don't know if I could do what you just did. "Obedience is for dogs", wow that is classic. Was that a quote from his book or was that from you? I just think her butt would be in some kind of underpants after 10 min and then we would all be unhappy. I obviously need to read this book. I have an almost 2yo and I see all of this coming up.
So..at the end of the whole ordeal she got to wear the dirty underwear when she was originally told she could not? Looks like she has learned that a tantrum will get her what she wants especially if she doesn't give up! I'm guessing this wasn't the goal.
I so agree with elise, the woman who posted above me. your daughter learned that she will get her way...get to wear the underpants she demands, and will get to do so even if it takes an hour to convince you.
now i'm not saying i'd do any better, 'cause i probably would have been so tired, i wouldn't have cared what she wore.
good job with the "go pee or no stories" that's great!
Just got done reading the book Screamfree Parenting. My thoughts:
*The first half of the book had me glued to every page, however as the booked neared the final 60 pages or so, I became highly dis-interested in it
*I was hoping after reading the first half of the book (which was very helpful btw) that the second half of the book would be filled with tools and techniques of how to apply what was taught in the first section. But I was very disappointed. The final half of the book consisted of unrelated gibberish that I could not relate to anything else I had learned in the book! It talks about mainly doing good for yourself before you can take care of other people and goes on to have pages and pages of topics like "obesity, treating yourself, etc."
I found all of these subjects to be boring and I could not relate to the topics whatsoever.
Overall was disappointed with the ending of the book since the beginning was so great. It lacks shedding any light on helpful tools or techniques of how to apply the less angry approaches, etc.
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