You know what? I'm learning that it's okay to say no. It's been a few weeks since I read Richard Bromfield, PhD's How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents,
but I'm starting to put his advice into action.He recommends putting an end to indulging our children--not just because we'll be happier if we quit frittering away our time and money making them "happy," but because they'll grow into happier, more self-reliant individuals if we don't give into their demands.
Are my children spoiled? On the grand scale of American children, they're probably not. They are mostly polite, well-behaved kids, and their behavior never approached the horrifying examples in the book of children who demand a toy or candy reward for enduring a few boring errands.
But they want for nothing and probably are over-indulged. Worse yet, I've witnessed them acting entitled or attempt negotiation with us (e.g. "Please can we have dessert? I ate a good dinner. Please, please, please?") I've found it's easier to give the kids a small square of chocolate than it is to hold my ground and say "No means no."
But I'm embracing my ability to power to say no and defer gratification. Every time my 5 year old asks for something (usually something from that infernal American Girl catalog), I tell her "You can ask for that for your birthday or save up your allowance." She's learning about the relative cost of things and would rather consider purchases than actually make them.
I've also become better about enforcing consequences. Both girls behaved atrociously on our flight home from NYC. It was lunchtime when we landed and I knew they were hungry. I also knew it would be another half and a half before they got home, so I needed to feed them. I bought them a McDonald's Happy Meal to share, but I made a point of sending back the toy. The girls' eyes widened a little, but shockingly, they didn't utter a word of protest. It was as if they understood that their actions really did have consequences and they quietly ate their chicken nuggets.
I'm not sure my demonstration of unspoiling was as dramatic as the "shock and awe" tactics Dr. Bromfield recommends, but it did work. Well enough, in fact, that I'm almost looking forward to turning around the car the next time the kids are shouting in the back seat and silently driving them back home.
Disclosure: My copy of the book was a review copy provided to me free of charge. The link is an Amazon affiliate link, which means I'll get a small percentage of the purchase price if you click through to buy it.
A couple hours after posting this, I received the following email from the book's author:
Alma, I loved your story about unspoiling. Your buying your daughters a Happy Meal but asking McD's to keep the toy was brilliant. And I could not help but smile at your anticipated pleasure at turning the car at the next infraction. You so demonstrate what I truly believe, that parents know all this, and that once it clicks, it clicks.
Richard Bromfield
9 comments:
I have been pondering this a lot lately. I am so guilty of giving them that small square of chocolate or whatever the equivalent because it is not worth the battle. I know I am not really doing my boys any favors by doing so. But it is a hard habit to break, for all of us.
I feel inspired to look for ways to stand my ground more often, although I think it will be super tough with my 2yr old. But maybe that is all the more reason to do it.
My daughter just turned two and we're just starting to teach her about rules. Our grocery store has a box of cookies for kids to help themselves, but OUR rule is ONE COOKIE. Ellie had one and on the way out grabbed another so I threw it in the trash. If you could have seen the stares! One means one! Limits are good for kids. They need that from us. ;)
I'm not sure if this is a true story or an urban myth, but there was a family who loaded up all their vacation gear into the car for a family road trip. Sure enough, it was not long before the kids started bickering in the back of the car. The parents turned the car around and headed home, delaying the vacation a day. The clincher: the vacation wasn't really scheduled til the next day, anyway. But, of course, only the parents knew that.
I'm sorry. I just have to say it: What kind of example does it set when you've got weekly posts called Friday Shopping (or whatever) and you list out the hundreds of dollars you spend and post pictures of yourself in your new clothes upon returning from a trip?
Am I the only one who sees the irony that now your concerned about your kids focusing on gimme-gimme?
Of course it's your money to spend as you like, I expect your kids don't read your blog... But still, they must see boxes and bags arriving from your shopping sprees. If you want them to be less focused on consumption, it's not rocket science where you should start.
Sorry, typo above '..you're concerned about..'
@Susie Ouch! Although your point is well taken with regard to my spree at Uniqlo (a very special and unusual occasion for me), the main thing my children would take away from my Friday Shopping Reports (if they read my blog, which they don't) is not to pay retail. They know that we bring coupons and Groupons to restaurants and bakeries when we go out to indulge and unfortunately the deliveries of boxed fresh vegetables I've had delivered to the front porch have yet to excite them.
In any case, it is not greed that I am working to unspoil out of my children--it is entitlement and disrespect.
Alma, I guess I could have found a way to make my point without being so harsh about it. Sorry.
I'm still caught off-guard by the juxtaposition of the post on spoiling against other posts where you do go on and on about shopping.
(With a blog, you only get the version of the blogger she blogs about - of course I don't know much about how you approach shopping with your kids.)
Don't you think greed and entitlement go hand in hand? (You're not admitting you're greedy, are you? I don't understand that point.)
Also, I did think about your Friday posts and how they relate. I do see the value in saving money using discounts and groupon. It just doesn't erase the underlying issue about having/wanting more and more, and largely things we don't really need. Does the author of the book make any connections between spoiling children and spoiling ourselves? I can't help thinking they're connected.
Anyway, sorry if I'm sounding so judgemental. I struggle with the same things (though, admittedly, I hate shopping for clothes, so that one's easy for me.)
It's worth noting that Alma actually works for what she buys, every last penny, every last day. There's really no equivalence with kids eating their broccoli or cleaning their room, mundane, quotidian acts that deserve reward only at our discretion. It's not like Alma bought herself a bunch of clothes for, I don't know, brushing her teeth well.
I have been struggling to keep my son, now 6 years old, to not expect something just because he is good or eats his dinner.
My husband is constantly bringing him little "gifts" (usually freebies he gets from work), and buying him a new toy for any little thing. My mother-in-law brings him a toy or gives him money every time she visits, which is at least once per month. It has come to the point now that when she visits the first thing he asks her is "what did you bring me".
I have discussed this with both of them to try to make them realize the harm this is doing to him, but of course they won't listen.
Although he is a very well mannered boy sometimes I have to remind him that he shouldn't expect things from people just because he is being good.
Whenever he asks me for something I tell him to put it on his birthday or Christmas list. What a challenge when you don't have the people that matter the most in your child's life on your side!
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